The area looks like a colonial town, the trees are rustling in the wind, bats hang in droves, and all have a dark blue color to them. The moon brightens as houses can be seen. The houses seem to be poorly built, and run down. There is another house in the distance, we see that this house is not even similar to the other houses; it looks more like a mansion. A man cloaked in a black cape comes out of the big, expensive house, and enters one of the run down houses, when he exits, he is leading a man with a soulless look in his eyes, the man is in chains, and is wearing a pair of old pants, and a dirty t-shirt, he is lead into the house, and is put into a room colored white , and sits in a chair, he seems nervous and scared out of his wits, as a person who has a black suit enters the room. He appears to be sixteen, although he is crying he says “please forgive me, please” as those words left the man’s mouth, wings of bat-like origin burst from his back, encompassing the ragged man,as the man in the suit’s eyes turn pitch black.the man in ragged clothes is bitten on the side of the neck, and starts to scream, but he can’t, he can’t move, he doesn’t want to move, he is in the trance of the vampire.
A woman comes in, dressed in a gown that looks expensive… as well as gothic, she is holding a handkerchief, and a very small piece of garlic on her neck, the wings retract into the back of the man wearing the suit, two slits in the suit are there, ripped into the suit, the man cries silently, as he withdraws his fangs from the victim. “so this was the man who volunteered this time” the woman says, she is looking at the lifeless body in ragged clothes, she seems to like the vampire, because when he turned around, she blushed, and tried to avoid eye contact. “Clair” the vampire says, “I have succumbed to hunger.” Clair speaks, trying to defend the vampire against his own thoughts “it is not your fault Ryu, you need to drink blood, just like us humans have to eat, it is just part of your nature, and since you wait so long, he won’t suffer the same fate as you”, Ryu is a little relieved, as he shows a little more joy, clair, relieved that ryu is acting a little more joyous, says “Great, now if you want, we have to talk to the new residences”. Ryu puts on another suit, as he leaves the building.
this story is a rewrite on my dark light idea, and begins with the prologue, so if you want, you might want to start there (P.S. i update this story, so you might have to return to get the whole thing)
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this the new version? good, but it could be better. try working on it a bit more, use different words, have spaces between the paragraphs, maybe reword a few bits here and there. like, instead of "a woman comes in" i would use "a woman entered the room" or " just then, a woman entered the room" but that last ones if you wanna be fancy. maybe just change "come" to something else entirly. its up to you really. well, thats all i got from this, tell me when another comes out, and i might get too it in two months.
SKULLDEVIL
2008-05-21 09:31:18