With a deep breath, I'll advance three steps and bury the hatchet once again. I'll unchain the door and tenderly open it up. I am at fault for the state I'm in today. When I wake up tomorrow, hopefully I'll awake an improved individual than the one I awoke today.

"You gotta be out there. You gotta be somewhere, wherever you are. I'm waiting...Cause there are these nights when I sing myself to sleep and I'm hoping my dreams bring you close to me. Are you listening? Hear me, I'm crying out. I'm ready now. Turn my world upside down. Find me, I'm lost inside this crowd. It's getting loud. I need you to see, I'm screaming for you to please hear me. Can you hear me? I used to be scared of letting someone in but it gets so lonely being on my own with no one to talk to and no one to hold me. I'm not always strong. Oh, I need you here. Are you listening? I'm restless and wild. I fall but I try. I need someone to understand. Can you hear me? I'm lost in my thoughts and baby I've fought for all that I've got. Can you hear me?" I sang again with Kelly wishing God could hear me.

"God," I prayed as I titlted my head up and laced my fingers together, "Please, God. Please, I need you to send me an angel on Earth. I don't want to be alone anymore. Dear God, please!" I paused with a sullen look upon my face. I remebered the angel who'd spoken to me but I never saw his face. i could distinctly hear the melodious voice. The angel had stopped conversing with me not too long ago. I couldn't tell someone the frustrations of mine anymore. I wasn't sure if the angel was even listening.

Heaven...Everybody sees it as this paradise where everything is perfection and bliss. But nobody, except those in Heaven, knows what it is really like. And don't follow those chessy psychics who say they can speak with spirits and know what Heaven is like. They're robbing you of good time and money. Their claims are under false pretense. Heaven, ideally, is perfection. This all of humanity knows. But the angel made me think that maybe, just maybe, Heaven isn't as perfect as it seems and maybe we just have high expectations for the afterlife. Maybe angels aren't as happy as we think, it would definetly explain why we have fallen angels. Angels are probably more human than we think. Angels exist in Heaven, true. But what happens to an angel that dies? Is its soul born anew in a human as with the death of pure human souls comes the birth of an angel? And what happens to the souls of the angels that choose to die, that commit suicide? Even more, can God die or not? If God created us, then who created God? And where does the King of Hell go when he dies? All these curious inquiries filter my skull and I'll probably never know until judgement day when I can ask God personally. Thinking still, I placed my Infinity on High disc into my stereo and heard the sexy voices of Fall Out Boy singing "Golden."

"How cruel is the golden rule when the lives we lived are only golden plated. And I knew that the lights of the city were too heavy for me, though I carried karats for everyone to see. And I saw God cry in the reflection of my enemies and all the lovers with no time for me and all of the mothers raise their babies to stay away from me. Tongues on the sockets of electic dreams when the sewage of youth drowned the spark of my teens..." Patrick sang Pete's lyrics.

Whether God sends me an angel on Earth or not, I've still got to worry about myself and even though I do not know what has become of the angel I knew, I must carry on. I know I have to be strong. All parents want their children to succeed them and knowing my past, I will not allow myself to become Mama. When I see Mama, I wonder who is in worse shape. Is it she or I? I know the path she's walked and I don't want to stray down it. Tis why I stay away, to the side, leaning against the wall. I've gone through my own troubles that make me fear a future alike. Trust, honesty...I'm not sure I know anymore who contains those qualitites. Though I'd probably like to, if I were to stay in a bubble by myself seeped within my horrors for the rest of my days, I'd crumble and miss life. So with those memories, I'll try to move forward toward the door.