When school ended and summer vacation began, I started to consider how my real reflection appeared. I already knew how others perceived me, but the honest inquiry was how did I really witness myself? What I saw, I didn't like and I wasn't trying to pick out the good things about me. I just wanted to break myself down into a simple state and explore. You know you’re tripping if you need to scrutinize yourself. Well, here I had my trippy moment. Oh well, what am I to do?

I used to generate a kind of persona for myself from watching anime when I was little. I wanted to be these people that could do impossible things for the good of humanity. Both now and then, I am a very coy individual. I open up once I find a common interest; anime typically gets me very garrulous. My personality hides and exposes based upon whom I'm with. When at home, I usually goof around and have a good time. With my parents and Harmony, I’m not apt to conceal my mood. In class, I'm reclusive, especially if my friends are not in my class. I stay quiet and don't converse with anyone. I don't protest much. I'm rather submissive and pretend as if everyone else can't see me. When with Lily, Sergio or even Lenny, I feel the need to lower my IQ and act dim-witted so they'll pay heed to me. I detest being in the limelight and kick myself for acting brainless. Generally, it's because they seem to be that way and I get inclined inconspicuously. I don't like it when I'm like that.

But I do have certain friends I can be myself around. I can be the same person I am at home with them. Those are the friends who care about me and fret if I act the slightest bit atypical. They are the ones who still remain my friends when I act in a way I'm ashamed of or say things I feel culpable about. As you know, Dylan formerly had a crush on me and asked me out on a date. He was my friend, the nicest of them all and I'd never been on a date. I perplexed him. I began to utter, "I don't think so" and then switched to "no" so all he heard was "I don't know." I told him I didn't desire to be in any kind of relationship like such. I'd just gotten my heart busted and I was frightened to mar people. More so, I was just terrified in general. Because I said "No" to him, I felt accountable and distanced myself. Knowing I broke his heart hurt. When I'd come to realization, I felt even guiltier than prior and I couldn't even verbalize with him because the guilt hurt so much.

Mike once told me, "As soon as someone gets too close to you, when they honestly want to know who you really are, that's when you run in the other direction." It's true. I'm caught somewhere between being alone and not. My best friend I can count on just so happens to be my younger cousin. I guess blood really is thicker than water. Family is always family after all and friends don't remain long. One night, we had stayed up chatting and I told her how I had felt about what I'd done to Dylan. She nudged me to notify him of those feelings. I finally did even though I was frightened he wouldn't want to continue being my friend. But he forgave me nonetheless and I know now that he is a kind of friend that is most precious. I wonder why I even doubted it in the first place.

With personality there are two kinds and the Japanese know how to classify them simply. There are two selves, tatemae and honne. Tatemae is your public self, the person you must be around others. Honne is who you crave to be and sometimes are in private. Honne is your true self and those feelings cultivate as you desperately attempt to conceal or divulge it. As it presently stands, my personality is undefined because I am in mid-combat between tatemae and honne. Hiding your honne results in hiding your true interests, a common re-occurrence within my life. I adore video games and certain books. My beloved series to read is Maximum Ride. It's awe-inspiring and wistful. I love music. I always have my iPod with me and I listen to the radio from when I awake to when I slumber. Mama and grandpa are likewise. I love mythical beings for some reason such as faeries. I seem to take an interest in odd things such as alchemy, magic and necromancy. Surreal and exceptional things enthrall me. These are things I don't bother to hide. Those interests are part of my tatemae. Anime is veiled within my honne. I love anime! It's something I share with Daddy. But I'm still more diverse. I watch anime whether subtitled or dubbed. I watch Japanese and Korean horror movies. I zealously read manga. I accumulate most things in relation to anime. I have certain skills. I love to write and I'm very good at illustrating. It's only expected that I would endeavor to generate my own manga. Since I embrace the Japanese culture so much and am very much infatuated with anime, I've already determined a future profession.

After high school, I want to attend a college that specializes in art and animation. I want to become an animator. To do so, I need a degree in animation and computer animation. I want to compose anime and work at some of my preferred companies that focus on anime. I would like Tokyopop to publish my manga. Animation will give me a nice, stable pay to live off of, though I'd really like to create manga as a profession. But the quantity of money I get all depends whether my manga is a hit or a flop. I want to compose manga so I can inspire and placate teens like manga has done for me and produce alluring worlds that can only be established in dreams. I want my stories to brighten your day when it’s a dark cloud. In animation, I can sketch all I want, but I can't direct the tale. With my manga, I have full control over the story and your emotions. From my manga it can be made into an anime. I just can't wait for that day to arrive. If and when I make it that far, I'll look forward to the first letter I get from a fan that tells me I put a smile on their face and gave them hope like Takaya-sensei, specifically, has done for me.

I'm good at writing. People inform me they are addicted to my stories and poetry because they are so powerful. The thing that is seen so visibly through my writing, so I'm told, is how I can bring out emotions and my medley of poetic language. So for now, I'll continue writing and carry on sketching in hopes I will greet my dreams. And one day, my public self shall become the self I clandestinely am.