Doll Syndrome: An emotional illness triggered by an overwhelming of stress. Victims of dool syndrome are caught in a wave of depression and are considered to be in a very fragile state. Nothing is physically wrong with them. They act as normal as they always are but they walk around expressionless. Their face is a complete blank. The patient is unaware of the illness and doesn't retain much memory during that period. They become a "doll."

When recently reading Kodocha! vol.8, I realized I had these symptoms. I had always known something was wrong with me. I knew I was so messed up but I didnt' know what something like this could be possibly titled...until now. Of course, I don't think my emotional illness can be titled "Doll Syndrome." You see my illness is is musch worse.

"They call me Miss Sunshine, ya know. It's because I'm always so upbeat and cheerful. Well, lately they've been saying that Miss Sunshine's sun has been eclipsed," I said to the otherline. It was a boy, the same boy I had spoken to before attempting to commit suicide.

"Why? You don't smile anymore?" he asked.

"I guess. They always ask me if I'm alright. They say, 'Why are you so sad?' and 'Why do you look like your puppy just died?' I tell them nothing's wrong and that I'm just tired, but I'm just lying to myself."

"Hm...I should charge you for being your therapist, Serenity!" He chuckled. "All joking aside, People are very worried about you."

"I've noticed. I don't know why everybody's so worried. Even those backstabbers --I'm not going to mention names! (Dylan, Sergio, Lily and Bridget)-- they have been concerned too."

"When did emo-mode start?"

"What? No riddles today?"

"Nope."

"Emo-mode...When I began high school, I guess. But it didn't get this serious until around the time Sergio broke my heart. Since then, I've been caught between heaven and hell. It's like the arms of darkness have been wrapped around tightly, binding me."

"You're so stupid!"

"What?!'

"You're incredibly lucky to have so many people who care and worry about you--"

"Yeah, but I barely trust any of them! Some I don't trust at all!" I interrupted.

"Besides the point. Miss Sunshine, you are a very lucky girl."

"Pause, rewind, fast-forward, play. What?'

"Are you dense?!"

"'Fraid so. Deal with it."

"I don't understand how Dylan had put up with you and I can pretty much sympathize with Sergio."

"What was that?! Wanna fight?! HUH?! DO YA?!"

"N-never mind...boy, she's scary. Just chill. Serenity, please find your smile and get better or at least find someone who'll bring it back to you. Don't let these feelings fester up inside you. It's unhealthy. You should talk to someone."

"I'm talking to you."

"But you're still hiding many things. You don't trust me, either."

"No, frankly, I don't. I can't trust anyone!"

"I pray you'll find someone who you can trust enough to tell."

"OH, SHUT UP, WILL YOU?!" I hung up the phone and threw it across the room. It broke on the wooden floor. It was cracked and scrathched, minor damages but still usable.

I couldn't believe what he had said. Some nerve! It's not as easy as he says. I don't like to let anyone into my life or help me in any way. I don't even tell Nathan and Mike everything and I trust them with my life!

But he's right. I'm such a spoiled brat! There's so many people who care about me, so many I can go to discuss these pestering feelings. So why can't I? Why can't I just say them flat out? I lnow what I want to say in my heart. I need to tell them to someone. Unfortunately, the words aren't willing to move passed my lips!

I had a dream recently. I was sitting at a long table in the cafeteria between Nathan and Mike. Everyone I've ever met around my age sat with us. So many familiar faces, including Bridget, Dylan, Sergio and Lily. Everyone was smiling and laughing. They were having a good time. I don't know how many kids were sitting around me, there were too many. I had a smile upon my face but my eyes told a different story. My eyes held so much pain and I looked like I would cry at any minute. I was the broken one among the carefree.

I got on my bus. The sky was gray and foggy. Soon, it would rain just like the tears in my heart. My bus was filled with the kids I always ride to school with. I sat in a seat with Mike and Eric. The bus stopped off route and I was the only one who got off. No one seemed to care I was leaving. They spoke amongst themselves and looked in all different directions. The bus doors closed behind me and drove off without me. I had the urge to run and so I did. I blindly ran down the street as it began to drizzle. As I turned around the bend, I came face to face with Tony. Tony was a boy who teased and tormented me in kindergarten and continued until we started Middle school. Shyly I greeted him as if we were old time friends. He greeted me back and asked why I had been running. I told him I had been practicing. I had been running a lot lately, trying to get faster but that wasn't the motivation. Tony walked towards me and wrapped one arm around my shoulder. We walked together slowly down the street. He spoke to me, but I couldn't hear a word he uttered. My cheeks were wet, stained with tears not the rain. Then, I screamed when I saw a giant rat and woke up!

Rat?! Where'd that come from? I understood the first half but not the rest. I decided to inform the one person I knew who could decipher it: Mike.

"The first part's easy," he explained. " You're trying to run away. Run away from your problems and everything."

"Yes, I know that. I've been thinking about running away alot lately. I do want to avoid everything. I even thought of my sweet escape. I want to run away to Barnes & Noble or even Borders. It's nice and quite there. I want to run away there and just sit in their graphic novel section until they throw me out. Manga's been my escape from reality, that is until I close the book," I responded.

"The rest is a bit more complex."

"Tell me, Buddah. Explain."

"You see, it refects your trust and how you've been hurt and heart broken."

"Yeah, wise one? So, how does Tony fit into all this? I don't get it at all."

"He's someone who hurt you."

"Oh, jeez! For God's sake, the guy saw my undies accidently and then told my mom when we were in kindergarten. My pants just happened to lower in the back when I was playing."

"Still, he teased you, didn't he?"

"Yeah, he was a jerk."

Neither one of us understood the rat. I know I hate them though. Maybe it's symbolic...

Well, if you haven't noticed, this ain't no pretty fairytale. My life's not a bowl of cherries like the heroine of some cheezy romance comic. I'm afraid to say that I'm so very ordinary and so very dysfunctional. It's funny after all the trauma I've endured, I'm still overflowing with love. just who shall I give it to? Love can break your heart, like mine. That's just the way that it is. To some, that's a load of smack and they think "Don't you know I've got your back. What's important is the way that we live." Yes, I've heard that same old saying before but no one has shown me yet.

I look at people and they don't look true. I see fakes. Even I'm a fake. The whole world is fake and we all live a lie. I'm sick of the masquerade so I'll just be the person I am. In this messed up town, it's always better when you find out we've been lying, cheating. Only a fool couldn't see through us, and know what we do. Only I can fool the world, it's plain to see.

I'm a heart breaker who's rewarded with a broken heart. Now it'll be up to three. To day, I got a love note from a boy who I've known since kindergarten. "I'm out of my mind in love with you." That's what he's trying to say with each poetic line filled with so much thought and care. It's sweet, but like Dylan, it just doesn't feel right. He's not my angel. I don't want to say no. I'm too nice, though that's exactly what I'd like to mutter. It was because I was nice that got me in this dilema. I felt bad for him. No one on our bus spoke to him so I thought I'd be polite. Everyone needs company and I know what it's like to be lonely. The guy was pondering on death! If he killed himself, I'd have that on my concious for not being his company. I always get the weird ones, don't I? Angel, where are you, now?

People say I'm bitter, but hey! I can stick my tongue out with a smile and say, "At least I'm not a quitter!" It's not like they apologize anyway. I can't save you, even if I try. Why? Because you just don't listen. If you did, if anyone listened and understood me, maybe I wouldn't be such a mess right now. All I can think is "Screw you!" I'll do what I wanna do. I'll live how I wanna live. C'mon give me a chance. Don't you hear it unerlining my words? I'm just crying out for help. Just don't point and stare. Save me, please.

Things are more refined, so what's up with me? I'm like the reject on the assembly line. Do you believe the things you hear? Guess it wasn't clear. Excuses, excuses. I'm not as simple as I seem, am I? I'm faking it. I'm such a sad girl. Am I that hard to figure out? I need sometime to realign all the thoughts in my mind. I'm down, but who's going to pick me up? Is it impossible? Am I fixable?

I remember the days when everything was sunshine and all I could hear were the ahppy tunes from the stereo. I'd hum along and couldn't stop singing. Everything made me happy. Well, I'm just here to say read between the lines. I save these conversations for anothertime. I can't be sad, oh no. Or can I? I'm human, too. A single look never cut me so. It stings but the pain won't heal. Phone a doctor, please! I know, a deeper contemplation is all I need to make believe everyone would love me if I could fool the world. Don't walk away from me, it's so cold here. There's a change in this atmosphere as a page turns. How can you really believe what I say? I wonder these things when I speak to people. Such a troubled mind that's masked away with a swift of a hand. Word of advice, if I were you, I'd run. But I'm not you, I'm me so I'll run anyway.

What am I feeling? What am I contemplating? Everything spins in circles while I lose my mind. A verbal avalanche is serving up my innocence. Am I delirious? No, no I', serious. As serious as ever. This is no joke even if you can't understand. Oh well, I guess.

I'd like to take the time to tell what's really been eating me up. Reflections that you'd never guess, who would have thought I'd be such a mess! Utter disaster, it's true. Truly deep down, though I'm the one who told Mama to divorce Daddy, I'd wish they can get along and stay together. Why can't we play pretend like in our family potrait? I want a truce between Harmony and I. Why can't our relationship be like our names? I want more friends. I'm so spoiled! I feel greedy, too. Wanting more, but Im so grateful for the few I have. They stand behind me when others don't and though they may actually be my support, I just don't feel it.

I kind of want these boys to stop falling for me, at least for now. It's not like they make their confessions to me in person. Their too shy. Hey, if you don't have the guts to tell me how you feel in person, we have a major problem! I mean, you've got to be completely honest with me and earn my trust. I wonder if your high. You love me, so you must be. I'm looking for someone I can fully trust so I can pour out all these pent up emotions. I want to smile, but I'm expressionless. I miss feeling happiness. I wondered why people smile and how they can. Angel of mine, a fortune find, I need you so! I need to rest my mind and put my aching heart at ease. I'm not in search of love, not now. I can't even think about that at the moment.

Healing is a long, tragic process. Why do I sit here with only myself to blame? I'm in search of my trusting angel. I'm in search of a shoulder to cry on. I'm in serious need of a crying period. I want to cry without reason but it seems my heart has hardened. And it only kills me more knowing there are so many people who care but not one of them can bring back my lost smile. the one I'm searching for has it. He'll notice it's missing and return it, I'm sure. just how long will I go without it? Something's wrong with me, I know it. It delves deeper than you know, than I know.

Why does know one try to help me? You offer, but don't insist. Can't you tell I'm stubborn? I hate asking for help. I don't like to admit I'm weak. Because if I'm not strong, I'm weak and if I'm weak, all sanity is lost out the window.

I'm as cold as snow. I'm waiting, sleeping, hibernating until the fresh breath of spring brings me back to life. When the snow melts, what does it become? Do you know? I bet you don't.

There's so much more filling my skull. Un explained questions along with the most nerve-racking thoughts, reactons to different types of news both held in the future and in the past, confusion that leaves me in a muddled puddle. I never want to be where I am but I never want to leave. I always want to be left alone and yet not. I wonder if I should put an advertisement in the paper. Yes! The headlines shall read: MISS SUNSHINE'S SMILE STOLEN! PLEASE RETURN ASAP!! Hah! If things were that easy...

Smile, where'd you go? Who has it? Give it back! It's only time. Time shall pass, slowly or quickly, but it shall be returned and then I can stop faking it. My doll syndrome can be cured by only one person. From now until then, things will end up in a foggy memory. It's going to take some time to realize...

No matter how cold it is now...Spring will come back for sure...Snow always melts, always.