I'll never tell...To give up my weakness is to reveal my vulnerability. Of course, if you know me well, it should be obvious, but I'll never tell.

It was early in the morning, maybe five-ish. Harmony was on an overnight class trip in Washington. Daddy had a business trip in Tennesse and Mama had left the night before for a "Lady's Spa Day" with her friends. It was me again, surprise, surprise. It was a chilly morning in March, the first official day of spring. Outside, there were still some small slushy piles of snow that had gone grey from the asphault. Though, it was a Wednesday and not technically the "weekend," it was for me. Everyone would be gone for a few days and I haven't been in school for over three days. There was no sense. I get perfect grades anyway so I'll still pass my courses, but why go there? Why would I want to go to a place of misery?

I grabbed my denim jacket and stormed out of the house with my iPod plugged in my ears yet again. I was listening to Hellogoodbye's "Here (In Your Arms)." I wandered around in a daze as the pink and orange sunrisen sky arose for the new season. I was still half asleep therefore I wasn't that coherent. My long frilly skirt blew in the direction of the wind. The being that walked inside my pink Converses was souless and expressionless. I hid behind a veil of illusion. As the sun peacefully rose, my surrounding grew vivid in the morning's light.

Silently and one by one, I recalled each memory of happier times. I remembered when I could smile and almost felt one appear on my face but it remained motionless. I looked up for a brief moment. I saw a boy and a girl sitting under an oak tree. The boy's head was placed upon her lap. The girl gently brushed his hair out of his face. She whispered to him. The boy brushed his hand against her cheek. He pulled back her long blond hair behind her ear. She touched his hand. The boy sat up and placed his other hand on the oak behind them. He grew near her whispering something as he caressed her. He leaned in swiftly and placed his lips accordingly upon hers. I looked away. I admit, I was envious of them, of her. How did she have a guy like that and I have no one?

I remembered dozing off when I had driver's education with The Orchid and Gumbo Poker Club in my hand. My class had a substitute that day. We had a worksheet to do that our teacher normally gave the answers for as he explained that day's lesson. Our substitute had asked us if we had wanted to work on it. Naturally, we shook our heads. There's no way we'd understand it that way. He was cool about it and told us to talk quietly. I sat by myself at a table. The sub noticed I was reading and nodded at me. I sprawled across the table with the book in one hand. It was a wonderful romantic fairytale I wished I had lived in. Next thing I knew, I was asleep. I dreamt of a boy who was like the one I'd just seen under the oak tree. It was wonderful...until I awoke.

At the time I awoke, my eyes were blinking rapidly until things were clear. My hand closed into a fist on the table. I mumbled to myself. I was frustrated. My beautiful dream had suddenly become a nightmare. My heart began to ache. The bell rang and everyone was racing to either their next class or lunch. Eventually, I had shuffled out the door.

Quickly, I stunted pass the couple before alarming memories could flood back. I heard the faint voices of past loves in the very rear of my cranium. I walked for such a long time until I had found my feet lead me to an empty beach. I sat on the sand near the shore of the ocean's incoming waves. The bottom of my Converses dampened. My soft hair drifted side to side while the salty air filled my nostrills. I decided to turn off the iPod and take in the environment. My ears suddenly became filled with the sounds of seagulls and waves. I stared out into the distant ocean. It was like a mirror where I could see a splashy disoriented reflection. I heard crying. I looked about the beach. I was alone. Where was that sound coming from? I stared back at the ocean. I saw a small girl wearing a white sundress. She had long brown wavy hair. The little girl's hands covered her eyes and she wallowed in the water. I called out to her.

"What's wrong? Are you lost? Where's your mommy?" She nodded at me but continued to cry. "Can you answer me?" She shook her head but didn't stop. She crouched down in the water and held her knees. I kneeled forward and reached my hand in her direction. "Careful, little girl! A wave might sweep you away!" She nodded again. "You want to be swept away?" I yelled. She shook her head once again. What was she doing? "Why don't you come out? C'mon, you'll be safer over here." The girl gagged on her tears and began hiccuping. In between hiccups when she could catch her breath, she managed to give me a response.

"I-I...can't..." she said. Her voice was so familiar. Where had I heard it before? I stared at her intently. Now realizing it, her dress was familiar too.

"What's your name? Who are you?" I asked. The girl pulled her hands away from her face. She'd shudder as she hiccuped. She looked up at me, her eyes soaked and reddish. She didn't answer. She simply raised her hand and pointed to me. I was staring at my younger self. What was this? A wave came in and splashed over her. "Wait!" I called. I watched as the white foam faded back into the big blue. She was gone.

Slowly, I sat back in the sand. I couldn't take my gaze from the spot a distant memory had just been. Why had I suddenly seen myself when I was six crying? What was the message my reflection had tried to give me? I sat still waiting for an answer, and maybe for her to appear again. But it was fruitless. She never came back.

Eventually, I had gotten up and left the beach. The salty air was doing a number to my hair anyway. The sunset I saw was a sky similar to the one I'd seen in the morning, but it seemed warmer and somehow emptier. I kept moving forward, I couldn't stop. Something was pushing me, egging me on. I remembered how soon it would just be Mama, Harmony and I. I don't like this but I still feel it will do me some good. I wanted to get away from my life somehow and foolishly, I began sprinting.

My world has lost its color, its luster. It is pitch-black and empty. The faces of people I knew and don't know are blurred. Voices are drowned and screams are muffled. In this new world of mine, love does not exist. It is but a myth only found in fairy tales and happiness is just a word with no meaning whatsoever. Whenever I'd stare in a mirror, only a lifeless soul returned the stare. I'm but a shadow in this world. I'm a hearltess nobody. My scenery is bleak and dull. There is no life.

My story is a somber tale. I won't close the book or refrain from writing the pages. But I do refuse to continue using my words, my voice. I shall no longer speak. What points is there? I'm just wasting my breath o beings who will never care. In the unkown depths of my heart, something is crying out. I want to see someone; I don't want to see someone. I want to be held close and yet run away. I want to be loved, but I feel hated. I've been abandoned by all I know. Someone as rotten as me ought to do us all a favor and just disappear, but I'm horrible at giving up.

Don't misunderstand. This world is black. There are no possibilities and no hopes. I won't think that one day I shall be saved. That doesn't happen in this world. I'm tired of eyes of indifference and hate. I don't expect anyone to come for me to my rescue. Their thoughts are obscurred from mine. The only thing I've ever wanted was loving parents in a home no one would ever want to leave, a warm place with everyone smiling at me. I lived in that illusion and believed in it back before my somber tale began and the veil had been lifted. I only care for that and nothing else, but waiting on such an illusion is like waiting for rain in a drought.

The darkness is vast and stifling and it has twisted me. My hope had become despair and aspiration into jealousy. Inside myself, as I reject the our world, I protect myself. Why does it seem so impossible for me to be loved? I don't have a safe haven. I don't have anyone who I could surrender to and act like the little girl whom I keep locked away.

Maybe that's what the little girl at the beach was trying to tell me, my reflection. She, me, what I yearn to do. I want to be comfortable in my own skin and act as childish as I want to be around someone who will always accept me. And though, like the sky it is both near and far, I want to leave this black world. A piece of me strongly believes in the illusions. Within the lies falling fron the skies, I want to catch the truth. There's one way out of the darkness aand to leave, I must search for the door to light.

Night was falling quickly. I headed to the convience store as soon as I could. I was starving. I hadn't eaten all day. I've been out and about since five and roamed the city going no place in particular. It was about time I chowed down. My refridgerator was quite empty. I never kept perishable items in the house when I was by myself. I either ate out or purchased non-perishable foods. I was on a mission, I'd set the door to light aside for now. My main concern was getting to the convience store before it got too dark and I'd die from starvation. I had my mind focused on one thing for dinner: ramen. Boy, for 16 cents each, sure I'm gonna stock up. They had chicken flavored, beef flavored, pork flavored, shrimp flavored, creamy chicken and even cheddar cheese. But my personal favorites amongst the ramen noodles was kim-chii flavored. My stomach was growling. It ached. I needed to get some food, pronto. Once I'd get there, I'd grab a Yoo-Hoo and pick up a box of Pocky if they had any.

I was in and out of the store in five minutes or less. I carried one bag in my hand and craddled the other in my arm like a baby. I whistled happily and snatched up some strawberry Pocky from the box with my teeth. I was feeling better. After all, I had food.

"Yeah! I'm eating ramen tonight! I'm not gonna starve! Mm mm, kim-chii!!" I yelled like a poor girl who hadn't eaten in weeks and had to live off of 25 cents each week. But really, I hadn't been eating much. I only ate when I was hungry which wasn't much. I was losing my appetite a lot lately as well as weight. I hurried home. I never liked the idea of being out after dark by myself. When I was little, I didn't like to be out because of stray animals and kidnappers. When I got a little older, I didn't want to roam around the night when vampires could be lurking in the shadows, or during the lunar cycle, werewolves. Now that I'm almost sixteen, I'm more concerned about perverts, rapist and child molesters. I sprinted again until I came to the place I called home.

I walked into the dark house and headed for the kitchen. I grabbed a bowl from the cabinet and poured some water. Then, I put it in the microwave for three minutes. I scoped the empty "family" room until I found the remote. I turned on the TV and changed the channel to The N just in time to watch Degrassi: The Next Generation. The microwave beeped signaling that the water was ready. I sauntered back into the kitchen and reached for a ramen packet from the bag I placed on the counter. I opened it up and poured the noodles into the bowl. I took some chopsticks from the drawer and stirred the noodles as I walked into the other room and took my seat on the couch by the TV. Isn't this just fun? Me and my best friend who's always there for me...the TV.