Mama moved into Harmony's room and slept there from now on. She spends as little time around Daddy as possible. When Daddy's home, she's not and sometimes Daddy delays coming home. Sometimes he comes home late and sometimes I don't see him at all. He's "says" he's trying but for Mama it's already too late. She's taken enough of Daddy's cruelty and abuse, both emotional and physical.

By April, the whole family knew our business. Some members were supportive such as a few of my cousins. Some were against it such as a few of my aunts who think Mama is running away without trying to working things out. Grandpa is in full support of Mama but Grandma is a bit flaky. One day, she'll call Mama up and tell her how supportive of her she is and in the next breath she'll turn around and tell her she should stick it out and all sorts of rubbish. But Mama doesn't announce desicions of hers if she wasn't going to follow through. It's not like she woke up one morning wanting to get a divorce because it was the latest trend like in the eyes of celebrities the latest trend is to have a baby or adopt one of a foreign heritage. She thought long and hard. And she was worried about Harmony and I. Mama didn't want us to blame things on her. But I don't blame her. A little piece of me blames my dad and I have a little hatred toward him for that. But I can't completely turn against my dad. I love him. He's my daddy and always will be, but deep in my heart I feel this is a good thing. If they are seprated, Mama can start getting better and I can finally deal with my own issues head on and be much stronger than before.

But I don't know about Harmony. She's been going to see her guidance counselor a lot lately. I went to the same elementary school she did and I didn't even know that school had guidance. I know she's spoken a lot about Mama and Daddy. She's even spoken about me. She told her guidance counselor that she doesn't want to end up like my twin, Mimi. At first, when Mama told me about this, I thought Harmony meant about the divorce aspect. Aside from our appearance and Mimi's parents being divorced, we're identical, but the divorce won't be a separation soon. It turned out Harmony meant the relationship we have in comparison to the relationship Mimi and her older sister have, Mimi's sister is a junior at our high school. She hates me merely for associating with Mimi. Mimi's done nothing wrong. She tries to talk to her sister but she won't listen. She hates Mimi. I don't hates Harmony but I'm tired of trying. I always make an effort to try to be a good big sister but she refuses to participate. She gets a better joy out of annoying the heck out of me than trying. I don't have the patience for that or for her. If she won't help, I'd rather she leave me alone.

I'm dead tired and repulsively sick of my attrocious "family." Most people say "Blood is thicker than water." Your friends will screw you over before your family does. Well, 99.9% your friends will screw you over anyway no matter what. But in my family, we have this saying. We say "Your family is always the first one the screw you over." And the sad part is that it's true. I hear their voices as they whisper to eachother, "Oh, those poor girls. They're suffering." I hear people talk behind my back asking others if I'm depressed. I want to throw a fit. You don't know ANYTHING about me. I HATE it when you stare with eyes of indifference. They're just noticing now how spacey I am and they conclude to the wrong thing. I've always been like that, even my cousin knows that. She's been telling people to back off and when they asked her about me, she told them I'm fine and I've always been that way. I hide alot of things and I adjust to people around me. With most people, I space out. Generally, I do that because I'd rather be lost in my own world then be around them bored.

What can I say, I'm not a people person. I don't know what to say to most people so I just don't say anything. I get lost in my own thoughts and creativity and I constanly question everything. There's more than meets the eye. I love to escape from reality and though the one thing in the world I can't stand is being alone, nowadays I'd prefer to be, I'd rather be left all by my lonesome than in a room filled with people whom I have nothing in common with, and won't talk to. When I'm with other people, I feel the most alone. That's why I loathe school. A sea of people and I just stand out. There is nothing and no one there for me...

I feel so stupid now. I realized the luxuries of my life I'll be losing. I'll go from satellite TV to basic cable. All the anime my dad owns will no longer be at the tips of my fingers. He'll take some of my favorite movies with him. He'll take his issues of Anime Insider with him that I'm always borrowing. I won't be able to watch whatever anime I want whenever except for the ones I personally own. Who's gonna take me to buy the latest video games and anime? Mama will take me to buy manga but I've never bought anime with her and I rarely buy video games with her. Who will help me when my computer, PS2 and my TV go on the fritz? Who's gonna teach me how to use my new digital camera? Who's gonna notify me about the latest anime series and upcoming conventions? I don't want him to go for my own selfish reasons and yet I do for my mama's sake.

I'm a spoiled brat and I always say "You don't know what you have until it's gone." I never realized that I truly hadn't appreciated what I had. I've been taking things for granted. I've used people without realizing. I'm a horrible person. I'm becoming what I hate. How could anyone have ever cared and loved me? I wonder sometimes what it was that they saw in me. Truth be told, what they saw wasn't even me. Saying that person wasn't even human is harsh, but she wasn't real either. She's the destroyer. She's a heartless monster who toys with you before she strikes in a flurry that leaves you sliced and diced making you feel like me. Like everything is hopeless and you won't love again. But she is a part of me. She shows up and takes over for me. She's stronger and manipulitve. She's hurtful and I hate her because I'm becoming her, because I am her. I don't want to be her and I don't want people to think I'm her. That's not how I really feel. But to face her, I've got to be strong. I have to have the will to eliminate my inner demon.

When you look at me, you may think you see who I really am. You think you understand and I'm easy to read, but you'll never know me. I wear a mask to fool the world as I play my part, but the only one I cannot fool is my own heart. Everyday when I glance into the mirror, someone I don't know stares me back. Why won't my reflection show who I am inside? Why do I hide what I believe and what I feel? I pretend I'm somone else all the time and so another shows. Who's that girl I see staring straight back at me? Why should I force myself to conceal a secret me? And so I want my reflection to show the secret me and not a stranger. And so I want to be loved for who I really am.

To do so, I must fight. There is a need for a reform. I'm a horrible person...That's all I know. I always end up doing something wrong and no one ever bothers to tell me what it is. All I know is that everything I do is a mistake and I hate myself. But I've been trying to become a person I'm proud of, but obviously I haven't tried hard enough. And I still don't understand. There's many things I don't understand and it's even more frustrating for me to try and understand it. I get misjudged and misunderstood all the time and it irritates me to no end in which sometimes I'll say things I don't mean. And I have a problem biting my tongue when I should and I always try to watch what I say but things just slip out of my mouth. But I want all of that to end. All of these thoughts and feelings and the way I am. I want to end it all. So, I promise, from this day forward, I will no longer become what I hate. Easy to say, not so easy to do. Even so...I'm willing to try. I won't give up this time. I will prevail.