During spring break, I suffered. Harmony was home all week and she took her pleasure in bothering me and physically abusing me. As I tried to shake her off, I was torn apart by others. Mama and Daddy pulled for my attention constantly. Half of the time I wasn't home because Mama decided she wanted to sleep over at my cousin's house or go someplace and she dragged me with her.

When I could, I'd manage to find some alone time. And in that time I spoke to an "angel." I told him what was on my mind and in turn, he told me what was eating him. At times, he made me feel better but there wasn't much I could say to comfort him. He had said something that sounded very poetic and curious as I am, I asked what he was thinking as he'd spoken those words. To my surprise, he delivered some shocking news.

He was angry. His friend was going to die. At first I wasn't sure if he was serious, but it turned out he was. It reminded me of the time Lily had called me up crying and threatening to kill herself. When I asked, he said that wasn't it. It wasn't health or suicide. he told me if it was suicide, he'd be just fine with it. This coming from the boy who has attempted suicide eight times. but the truth made me cry and my mascara ran down my cheeks. She was going to be killed, and there was nothing he could do. My veins filled with sorrow and I was beseiged with helplessness. There wasn't anything I could say to make things better and there wasn't anything he could do or say to prevent her death. If I had been with him, I would've given him a hug, but I couldn't even do that. We were no where near to give a hug. All I could do was cry for his sake.

And so, the oddities continued further into spring break. For the first time, I saw my dad cry. And better yet, he apologized. These are two things that he never does. Things around my home have gotten stranger. I don't understand what is happening anymore. I just want to rebel against so much and I don't know the answers to life. I don't know where I should look for them either. Slowly, I'm running out of ideas. How should I handle things? What should I do? Who should I talk to?

When I returned to school, things hadn't changed. I accepted the fact that I am emo. Even though the ones who first told me I am emo, now told me I am not. They say to be emo you have to cut. That really bugged me. How would they know whether I cut or not. It's not like I tell them everything. I keep many secrets from them too. That was very stereotypical and I do not enjoy being part of a stereotype. I hoped things would get better, but they hadn't. My week back at school it only rained. Then Friday came. And the sun had returned to play once again bringing warm weather with it. My school had a pep rally that day so fortunately for me, all my classes had been shortened. It was to end the "Battle of the Classes" week we'd had. I enjoyed being outside for an hour and a half with my friends chilling and watching the ending competition events as I listened to my iPod. I let my hair down, literally. I laughed and shouted and had a good time. At least that's how it looked. I knew I was faking it. I was around certain people that made me feel like I had to fake happiness. But even though I was faking, the sun got me energetic and so I happily sang loudly with my iPod. That, I wasn't faking.

I spoke to the "angel" again on Saturday. I informed him of how happy I'd been feeling. He was glad to hear that but he wasn't too chipper himself. He told me he had really tried to save his friend's life but she'd already made her decesion. She committed suicide. What I couldn't understand was if he was the one who lost a friend, then why was I the one who was crying? When I asked him that, he was taken aback. He didn't know I was crying, of course he can't, he can't hear my voice. He asked me in turn why. I hesitated before giving him a response. Why was I crying? I wondered how he was truly feeling. I wondered if he too was crying or had he already cried. I didn't know. I didn't know why or where my tears had come from but I was sad at least for his sake.

Eventually, the subject had been dropped and things had gotten better. Towards the end of April, I began to prepare for AnimeNext which wasn't until July. I purchased my Sakura Haruno cosplay costume and a kunai knife. When the costume had arrived in the mail, I had gotten extremely excited. It was imported straight from China and it was so totally cute and comfortable beyond belief! And it fits so nicely too! Oh my Goddess, I loved wearing the costume. It lightened up my day, even just a little. From that weekend until the day before the convention at AnimeNext, I would study all of Sakura's moves and her personality. This was going to be my first time cosplaying and I wanted to be able to convince people around me that I really am Sakura. By that day, I shall become Sakura Haruno.

Despite my small dosage of joy, I've been stressing majorly. My Sweet 16 party is on Mother's Day though my birthday isn't until June. That same day, Harmony is making her first Communion and will be celebrating at the party. It's a shared event. I've got my dress to wear but Mama wants to get me new shoes, though I have some. And she's making me do two stupid things I don't want to do. The first, I have to change from ballerina flats, which I haven't purchased yet, to heels. It's supposed to be "symbolic of becoming a woman." It's pointless if you ask me. Second, the 16 toasts. It took me forever to think of sixteen people. It was even harder to think of sixteen individual things to say about them. My toasts are currently in the revisionary stage. Mama won't let me have a picture slide show at the party. When I had attended Mei's Sweet Sixteen, she had done the toasts, the shoes and the slide show. The slide show had been my favorite, but because it is a shared party, Mama said no to the slide show. I didn't ask for my party to be held on Mother's Day. It's not my fault that Grandma doesn't want to come back up to New Jersey two weeks after harmony's Communion just to celebrate my birthday. That decision was made withou me. But I digress.

I noticed that I had become more relaxed with who I am around people. More and more I didn't care what anyone thought about me. And though I had tried before to change I couldn't, but I'm starting to believe that all of these things are because of that boy. I'm starting to believe because of him that I CAN change and it isn't impossible. He's been so encouraging and as a good friend should be, I too have been trying my best to help him with certain rough patches in his life. I just wish there was something that could be done about my parents. Don't get me wrong, I honestly do not care whether they divorce or not. I'm just tired of hearing them fight and coming to me with complaints just because I'll listen without judgement. I'm just a kid. There's nothing I can do to help. Telling me isn't going to solve anything. I'm just pinned in the center, the center that cannot with hold so much weight from the world. I am not God. I cannot fix anything. I cannot do anything. I am useless. Running to me, crying to me...I thought they were adults. I thought that a kid is suppossed to go crying to the adults, or if it makes them feel better, other kids. But as I have stated, I'm only a kid and nothing more. I don't have all the answers. I haven't lived as long yet. I'm still learning from my mistakes. So please, leave me be. I can't help you at all. I'm barely stumbling upon the path carved out for me and you want me to lead you back onto your own path? That is something I can't do. I can't do many things. I try, but trying won't guarantee success. I can't guarantee anything. I am not God. Don't wander to me with your concerns. Please, find someone else...